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The Hidden Almanac for
Monday September 30th, 2013
Episode 8
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2013-09-27
Next episode: 2013-10-02

SummaryEdit

Today we will revisit the last public blooming of the Oracular Flower. Also, a farmer has a chance encounter with an aquatic creature. It is the Feast Day of St. Mellivora, and in the garden, the scarlet runner beans are coming in.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord. Today is September 30th, 2013.

It was on this day fifty-seven years ago[1] that the Oracular Flower bloomed in the Royal Botanical Garden. The single blossom weighed eighty-seven pounds and stood six feet tall.[2] It had been carefully monitored by the Royal Botanist for weeks, and on the day of its flowering, the Garden was closed to the public. Only a select few were invited to witness the flower, including the Crown Prince, the Prime Minister, and several journalists and cabinet members. The smell was described as being lemony, with notes of vanilla and leather. A light breeze dusted all present with pollen, and all stood transfixed. After a moment, the Royal Botanist picked up his trowel and turned to the Crown Prince, who nodded. He then proceeded to bludgeon the Prime Minister to death with his trowel, aided by several cabinet members. He was immediately pardoned by the Prince. One of the journalists later reported “Had to be done. We could all see what the Prime Minister was planning, now couldn’t we?” A new Prime Minister was appointed immediately, and the Oracular Flower is kept under close guard to this day.

And it was on this day in 1911 that the first known sighting of a living plesiosaur was recorded, by a farmer named Colin McGrath. He was walking near the ocean when what he described as a “gurt lolloping beastie” heaved itself onto shore on its front flippers. It looked around, sighed heavily, and swam away. McGrath later said that he didn’t know why people were making such a fuss, as the creature was obviously lost and minding its own business.

Today is the Feast Day of Saint Mellivora of the Miraculous Sausage,[3] a saint of obscure origin and even more obscure appearance. He appears as a honey badger[4] holding a large red bratwurst and is considered to be one of the patrons of sausage makers. No one has ever determined what was so miraculous about this particular sausage.

In the garden, scarlet runner beans[5] are beginning to dry in the pod. This handsome black and purple bean must be cooked well, but has a fine meaty texture. There’s an old folk legend that anyone who sleeps in a bean field will wake up stark raving mad.[6] We here at the Hidden Almanac[7] have tested this extensively, and of our five test subjects, four came back completely sane and Cousin Robby is no worse off than he was to begin with. It’s likely that you can sleep in your bean field without any ill-effects, but go inside if you begin to have recurring nightmares, seizures, or uncomfortable thoughts.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

This show is sponsored by the Silent Nightclub, which is absolutely not a front for the underground mime cult. For a completely mime-free experience, try the Silent Nightclub! Wednesday is ladies night!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for September 30th, 2013. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.

NotesEdit

  1. September 30, 1956
  2. The Oracular Flower is reminiscent of the "Corpse Flower" (Titan Arum). In captivity it blooms every four to ten years. It's the world's largest flower at ten feet tall and three to four feet wide.
  3. Ursula Vernon has previously painted Saint Mellivora.
  4. Mellivora capensis
  5. Scarlet runner beans
  6. This is a true legend
  7. Presumably a job for the Hidden Almanac Test Garden

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