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The Hidden Almanac for
Monday October 7th, 2013
Episode 11
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2013-10-04
Next episode: 2013-10-09

SummaryEdit

Today we will investigate another mystery from Echo Harbor, as well as the story of some interesting cattails. It is the birthday of Olivia Stone, and the Feast Day of Saints Arvo and Denet. In the garden, the tomatoes are ready.

Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord. Today is October 7th, 2013.

It was on this day, in the Year of the Burnt Harvest, that eleven preserved bodies were pulled from a bog near the town of Echo Harbor.[1] They were extraordinarily preserved and appeared to have been ritual sacrifices.[2] Ten were dated to over four thousand years ago, and the eleventh was wearing a wrist-watch. Several prominent citizens were questioned by the police, but released without comment.

On this day thirty years ago[3], a pond full of cattails came to life and became tall green-and-brown women. They danced six square dances and one tango, their hair shedding fluff into the breeze, then went back to being cattails. Several of them were in slightly different positions afterward, although hardly anyone noticed.

And today is the birthday of Olivia Stone, who pioneered the effort to vaccinate city dogs against rabies. It is due largely to her tireless efforts with a blow-gun that rabid dogs are no longer the city-wide menace that they used to be. In honor of her contributions to society, a bronze statue of her was erected in Mandible Park.

Today is the Feast Day of the Saints Arvo and Denet, represented as hares wearing haloes and bearing swords. Arvo and Denet were inseparable as acolytes and went on to hold a joint bishop-hood. They are the joint patrons of friendship, brotherly love, and rhododendrons.

This is the time of year to check on your cannibal tomatoes.[4] By now, the smaller, weaker specimens have been killed and eaten, and the survivors will be large and well-fed. Use gloves when harvesting cannibal tomatoes, as they have a fearsome bite. Be sure to harvest before you’re down to one tomato, however, as it is common for the lone survivor to be stricken with remorse and pine away on the vine. We recommend treating with a top dressing of chicken manure to prevent melancholy among your tomatoes.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

Also sponsored by Ethan’s Hybrid Car Dealership. Low, low prices for low, low ecological impact. Built on the smoking ruins of Bob & Steve’s used car lots. Don’t mind the crater, come on down! Ethan will put you in a hybrid car today!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for October 7th, 2013. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.

NotesEdit

  1. Bodies and other archeological finds have been pulled out of bogs in the United Kingdom, Germany, Ireland, and Denmark. Sometimes the bodies are mistaken for recent murders and at least two are thought to have been human sacrifices. (Tollund Man and Lindow Man)
  2. This would be the third instance of ritual sacrifice we've heard about, after the Wicker Man and the strangling ritual
  3. That would be 1983
  4. Cannibal tomatoes are an actual fruit (Solanum uporo), from Fiji, with the rumor that they were used to make sauce for human flesh. According to some sources, this is unlikely as they're extremely bitter.

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