The Hidden Almanac for
Wednesday November 27th, 2013
Episode 33
Previous episode: 2013-11-25
Next episode: 2013-11-29


Today marks the passing of Sir August Hamforth into the Sea of Unpleasantness. It is also the anniversary of the discovery of Mr. Fluffy. It is the Feast Day of Smilegod, and in the garden there is toothwort.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord. Today is November 27th, 2013.

It was on this day in 1693 that Sir August Hamforth entered a peculiar patch of water several days sail beyond the Coriander Isles. The water was dark red and dragged at the ship’s hull. It smelled strongly of sulfur and a bucket drawn onto the deck contained a large, hostile looking fish, which said unkind things about Sir Hamforth’s mother. This patch of water was named “The Sea of Unpleasantness” and duly marked on the ship’s charts.

It was on this day in 1978 that a skull was found in the Glass Wastes. It had extremely primitive features and belonged to a young male hominid almost two million years old. The skull was named Mr. Fluffy, after the discoverer (a large schnauzer) and is on display at the Royal Museum of Natural History. Forensic mediums report that the skull is thinking “Well, this is certainly something, isn’t it?” but have attained no insights into the Fluffian culture.

And today marks the 200th anniversary of the Tea Riots, which followed shortages of black tea and bergamot oil in the city. Dozens were killed and the Prime Minister ordered the opening of the Strategic Tea Reserves to prevent bloody revolution.

Today is the Feast Day of the Smilegod, who loves you. Smilegod is worshipped by jesters and small children, but never clowns. Clowns are anathema to Smilegod. Do not anger Smilegod, as his vengeance is terrible and involves rubber chickens. Circuses will be closed today, in recognition of this fact.

In the garden this week, keep an eye out for toothwort! This low-growing plant becomes dormant in summer rather than winter, and grows vigorously throughout the fall. In early spring it has insignificant white flowers. While not generally carnivorous, if toothwort lacks certain key nutrients, some varieties will feed on small rodents that are attracted to the starchy roots. Whether you choose to fertilize your toothwort or keep it hungry as a form of pest control is up to you.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

Also brought to you by Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and even the most upstanding citizens are beginning to succumb to holiday cheer. Won’t you put them out of their misery? Wouldn’t you want someone to do it for you?

That’s the Hidden Almanac for November 27th, 2013. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.