The Hidden Almanac for
Monday December 23rd, 2013
Episode 44
Previous episode: 2013-12-20
Next episode: 2013-12-25


Today is birthday of Jack “Fatfinger” Henkel. It is also the anniversary of the Sausage Uprising and the day the White Boar Whiskey Distillery burned. Today is the Feast Day of St. Joan, and in the garden, we review kohlrabi.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord. Today is December 23rd, 2013.

Today is the birthday of the acclaimed banjo player Jack “Fatfinger” Henkel. He is credited with singlehandedly popularizing many old banjo tunes. Perhaps his greatest achievement was the introduction of banjo solos to the classic wedding march, a musical tradition that continues to this day.

It was on this day in 1655 that the pamphlet “On The Curing of Exemplary Meats” was published. This fifty-page pamphlet appeared to be an exhaustive account of the various methods of salting and smoking, but was actually an elaborate piece of code. It was passed back and forth between Troyzantium loyalists and gave its name to the 1656Sausage Uprising.” Unfortunately for the loyalists, one of the king’s chefs happened upon the pamphlet and declared that it was such an extraordinary piece of nonsense as to defy belief. He took it to a general, who agreed that it was unlikely that one would salt pork using nightingale urine. The ill-fated Sausage Uprising was thus anticipated and put down within three days.

And it was on this day in 1912 that the famous White Boar Whiskey Distillery burned to the ground. Over a thousand barrels of fine whiskey burned, giving an extraordinarily clear light and causing hardened firefighters to fall to their knees, weeping uncontrollably. “The loss of life is tragic,” said the Prime Minister, in a special statement, “but the loss to the palates of our nation is immeasurable.”

Today is the Feast Day of Saint Joan, patron of hex wrenches. It doesn’t come up much, but when it does, Saint Joan is the only possible saint to invoke.

In the garden, we turn again to the Echo Harbor Book of the Soil, which has this to say on the subject of kohlrabi:

The tentacles of kohlrabi should be removed when cooking, as they are woody and impart no particular flavor. Chop the flesh into small cubes. Place five stems in a pentagon on a wooden cutting board and invoke the Eleventh Secret Name. Coat the cubes in olive oil and roast in a pan until the last petal has fallen from the nameless rose. Add salt to taste.

Purple kohlrabi are inferior and have no occult significance.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

Also brought to you by Eggleham Software, creators of “Stompy” and “Stompy for Kids!” From now to the end of the year, if you buy “Stompy” your e-mail will be delivered by an animated woolly mammoth! It’ll be adorable until you get sick of it. “Stompy! It stomps!”

That’s the Hidden Almanac for December 23rd, 2013. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.


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