The Hidden Almanac for
Monday January 13th, 2014
Episode 53
Previous episode: 2014-01-10
Next episode: 2014-01-15


Today marks the victory of General Septus over The People of The West. It is also the birthday of Strawberry Roan, and the day a rhino got loose. It is the Feast Day of St. Bilana, and in the garden, it may be time to clean up.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is January 13th, 2014.

It was on this day in the year 980 that General Septus defeated the People of the West and ascended to the Firefly Throne. The People of the West (who were, confusingly, located to the east of the empire) were led by the druid Torix Herne. Torix was brought back to the city, ostensibly as a hostage but actually as a trophy of Septus’s victory.

And today is the birthday of Strawberry Roan, born Mary McGovern, one of the city’s most famous burlesque dancers. Her act included several carousel horses and over six hundred feet of satin ribbon. It was hailed as “daring” “innovative” and “dead sexy.” She retired in 1971 and was eventually named a National Artistic Treasure.

And it was on this day in 1881 that an Indigo Woodpecker in the Royal Menagerie succeeded in drilling through the hinges on its enclosure door. This would not have been a particularly significant, except that the woodpecker shared an enclosure with a rhinoceros. The rhino—nicknamed “Peaches”—wandered into the Menagerie, causing a stampede as patron rushed to gawk at it. Several trampling injuries were reported, none of them actually caused by the rhino. Peaches was eventually shooed back into its enclosure by a zookeeper with a broom. Some weeks later, a powerful tranquilizing agent was isolated in the droppings of Indigo Woodpeckers.

Today is the Feast Day of St. Bilana, Patron of mail-carriers. Legend has it that Bilana carried an illuminated manuscript across an ice-covered mountain range and a burning desert, while barefoot, in order to deliver it to the pope. Several codexes have been put forward as candidates for this particular illuminated manuscript, but its exact identity is unknown. St. Bilana is represented barefoot, carrying a satchel, with mountains in the background.

In the garden today, as weather permits, it may be a good time to pick up debris from winter storms, including broken branches. Use caution when moving larger logs, as no gardener enjoys being pinned under a half-ton of cold, rotting wood. Alternately, you could just sweep some of those leaves off the deck and onto the flower beds.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also sponsored by Paula’s Professional Medical Advocates! Tired of going to the doctor alone? Call Paula’s! We’ll provide a knowledgeable individual to ask sensible questions, explain what the blood pressure numbers mean, and provide a warm, flattering medical gown far superior to the little disposable paper one. Paula understands that it’s cold on the table.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for January 13th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013, Ursula Vernon.

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