The Hidden Almanac for
Monday March 31st, 2014
Episode 86
Previous episode: 2014-03-28
Next episode: 2014-04-02


Today marks the introduction of the Crystal Popper to the market. It is also the birthday of Normal McGovern, and marks yet another appearance of the Black Beast. It is the Feast Day of the Lord of Bells, and in the garden, there are salamanders.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is March 31st, 2014.

It was on this day, twenty years ago, that the Crystal Popper came on the market. This hand-held device was billed as a permanent method of attaching a decorative crystal to any surface. Critics argued that the Crystal Popper was basically a nail gun, and the “crystal refills” were nails with faceted plastic heads. The Crystal Popper enjoyed catchy jingles and moderate commercial success, but was recalled from the market after multiple users were maimed in an effort to attach crystals to their foreheads.

And it is the birthday of Normal McGovern, motivational speaker and author of the books “Happy Power,” “Happier Power,” “Even More Happy,” and “How to Be Happy Anywhere.” He died fabulously wealthy, while anti-depressant sales reached the highest point in three decades.

And it was on this day that the Black Beast charged through a crowded market, overturning a table manned by Garlic Scouts, and making a noise varyingly described as a shriek, a moan, and an unholy racket. There were minor injuries among the Garlic Scouts, mostly skinned knees, and the Black Beast escaped up the side of a building. Several Garlic Scouts pelted it with cookie boxes, earning their Improvised Marksmanship badges, until the Beast was out of sight.

It is the Feast Day of the Lord of Bells.

In the garden, male Spotted Salamanders are depositing small white blobs, called “spermatophores.” These sperm packets are left in vernal pools for the female to use, which really puts all of our love lives into perspective.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and unapologetic teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Burning Rhino Soil Cultivator. Tired of hand-tilling the soil? Annoyed by all those books about the no-till method by goddamn hippies? Burning Rhino breaks up tough clay and tree roots the way God intended—with explosives. Order your Burning Rhino today!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for March 31st, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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