The Hidden Almanac for
Friday April 25th, 2014
Episode 97
Previous episode: 2014-04-23
Next episode: 2014-04-28


Today is the day a golem went on a rampage. It is also the day of the accident at the pretzel factory, and the birtheday of Torix Herne. It is the Feast Day of St. Timothy, and in the garden, there is green.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is April 25th, 2014.

It was on this day in 1966 that a rogue golem-mancer raised a twenty foot golem in a small town east of the city. It was constructed of the contents of eleven hundred used kitty little boxes, and has been widely voted the single most disgusting golem of the last two hundred years. The army was called in and most of the town was set to the torch. The citizens reportedly said “Well, we didn’t want to live there anyway. Not after that. You’d never get the smell out, would you?” Charred bodies pulled the wreckage presumably included the golem-mancer, but were never identified.

As golem making was outlawed years earlier and those with the talent voluntarily retired, speculation remains rampant as to the identity of the rogue and who trained them. Conspiracy theories abound, most of which attempt to tie the golem to UFOs, cattle mutilation, and/or reptiloids. This is obviously ridiculous.

And it was on this day in 1887 that the SaltyBread Pretzel factory suffered a manufacturing mishap and accidentally mixed five tons of cement into the pretzel mix instead of flour. The accident occurred late on a night shift and was not caught until the next day. Damage to the equipment was miminal, but SaltyBricks proved far more popular as a building material than SaltyBread had ever been as a snack. Many structures are today built from SaltyBrick, including the Bocephelus Dam.

And it is the birthday of Torix Herne the druid, chief religious leader of the People of the West, located to the east of the city. Unlucky in love, he ran away to become a traveling circus druid in the year 965, a career choice that would have significant repercussions later in life.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Timothy the Masked, patron of hand washing. He is represented as a raccoon-headed man holding a towel and a crayfish. Cheerful cartoon icons of St. Timothy are often purchased by the parents of small children to make handwashing fun. Slightly more gruesome icons of St. Timothy are purchased by the parents of slightly older children to make handwashing mandatory.

In the garden, everything is green and growing and if you can walk outside without feeling better about the universe, it is possible that you have no soul. We at the Hidden Almanac do not discriminate against those without souls, but we do question their choice to become gardeners.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wallaby Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wallaby --- “Hopping Good Tea.”

Also brought to you by Sid’s Mindworm Class Action Lawsuit. Did you buy a mindworm from Sid’s? Suffered insomnia, anxiety, or full brain removal? You may be eligible for compensation! Contact the law firm of Moly, Moly, & Bane today!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for April 25th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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