The Hidden Almanac for
Monday May 5th, 2014
Episode 101
Previous episode: 2014-05-02
Next episode: 2014-05-07


Today marks the victory at the Battle of Lizardstick. It is also the day a crime wave swept the city. It is the Feast Day of St. Audrey, and in the garden, there are lilies.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is May 5th, 2014.

It was on this day in 1781 that the badly outnumbered highland clans triumphed over royal forces at the Battle of Lizardstick. This unlikely victory served as a rallying point for the highlands, and spawned approximately eleven thousand different folksongs about Lizardstick, recent compiled in the exhaustive 30-CD-volume set, “Songs to Smack Royalists By.” The fifth of May remains a day of celebration throughout the highlands and a day of mild disgruntlement throughout the city, even though we’re all past that now, really.

And it was on this day that a daring daylight robbery took place, as the criminal Jack “Boggy” Burns hit five banks in a row, led police on a breakneck chase through the city, then jumped into the Autumn River and vanished with over eight million dollars in cash. Dredging the river eventually revealed a large rubber suit that looked like Boggy. Theories abound, the most popular of which was that he had actually been a large river catfish with a severe gambling problem. The money was never recovered.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Audrey, one of several patrons of carnivorous plants. Why pitcher plants, sundews, and Venus fly-traps require multiple patron saints is not adequately explored, but there you are. Supposedly St. Audrey was a giant large fly-trap, which caught the mice that nibbled at the holy books in the Abbey of Saint Peter, thereby saving many great works for posterity. How exactly one of the monks grew a fly-trap capable of eating mice is not explained and may be a divine miracle.

In the garden, consider the lilies. They toil not, nor do they spin, and yet some gardener is out there every week fertilizing them and making sure they get enough water. There is undoubtedly a moral lesson here somewhere.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Ivy Company, purveyors of fine and invasive ivy. Red Wombat --- “We Will Eat Your House.”

Also brought to you by Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins. It’s the off-season, so take advantage of our bargain prices! Family gatherings memorable—in a bad way? You can make summer cookouts, picnics, and family reunions much more peaceful with Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins! Slip a note under your drink at the Silent Nightclub. We’ll be in touch.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for May 5th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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