The Hidden Almanac for
Friday May 9th, 2014
Episode 103
Previous episode: 2014-05-07
Next episode: 2014-05-12


Today someone said something. It also marks the day of the Hopping Hat Rack Hat Company recall, and the day Eland the Younger found an opossum. It is the Feast Day of St. Mortimer, and in the garden, there are tomatillos.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is May 9th, 2014.

It was on this day in 1961 that someone said something really unforgivable about someone else’s cousin, and obviously they couldn't talk after that, and after all that she’d done for them, too! You’d think they’d know better. Well. There’s no telling in this world, is there? Historians mark the day solemnly and keep it with libations of beer.

And it was on this day that eleven hundred fedoras were recalled by the Hopping Hat Rack Hat Company, as they contained razorwire. The Hopping Hat Rack Company claimed that they had been sabotaged by a disgruntled employee, but the authorities declined to investigate on the grounds that the number of people who look good in fedoras are vastly exceeded by the number of people who think they look good in fedoras, and perhaps this would help to cool down an already over saturated market. Hopping Hat Rack filed suit with the government, who were quoted as saying “I’m sure we have a war to deal with somewhere,” and declined further action. There were no reported injuries.

And it was on this day that the naturalist Eland the Younger discovered the Theatrical Opossum. Like many animals, the opossum plays dead to escape predators, but this one insists on reciting a small speech about the unkind hand of fate, clutches its chest, falls prone, recites another small speech about the encroaching darkness, and asks its predator to deliver a last message to its loved ones. Theatrical Opossums are limited to a very small range with very courteous predators, including the Apologetic Wolf, the Social Fox, and the extremely rare Kindly Wolverine.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Mortimer the Well-Meaning, who always tried very hard. He is the patron of those who mean well and have the best intentions. He is invoked when meaning well is not enough and you wish to beat someone over the head because they are not helping in the slightest, and yet their heart is in the right place. He is usually portrayed as a man with a foot hanging from his lips, although later portrayals sometimes dispense with the saint entirely and merely have a foot with a halo around it.

In the garden, all those tomatillos that died quietly last year have come roaring back to life, in the form of thousands of tomatillo seedlings. And after you tried so hard to start some indoors, too. Thin the conveniently placed ones and water them regularly, and pull the rest out in handfuls. Contemplate salsas yet to come.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Royal Museum’s Folk Music Collection, announcing their new boxed set, “Three Chords and Seven Shovels—Songs of the Walleye Copper Mine.” Reserve your copy today!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for May 9th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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