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Episode for 2014-07-11

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The Hidden Almanac for
Friday July 11th, 2014
Episode 130
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2014-07-09
Next episode: 2014-07-14

Summary Edit

Today we celebrate the founding of the cult of the Great Maw. It is also the day Echo Harbor disappeared, and it is the birthday of John Wilding. It is the Feast Day of St. Tina, and in the garden, there are peaches.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

Transcription Edit

Welcome to The Hidden Almanac. I'm Reverend Mord.

Today is July 11, 2014.

It was on this day in 1280 that a group of the small birds that walk around inside of crocodile mouths formed the Cult of the World Crocodile. The feathered priests preached that an era of plenty was upon us and the Great Maw would never close again. They were mostly eaten by a single confused crocodile, who is quoted as saying, "They always got out of the way before. I feel terrible about this." The Cult of the World Crocodile persists in very small numbers among cleaner birds, who preach that the Great Maw is in a time of tribulation, but that the faithful will eventually be rewarded.

And it was on this day in the Year of Blindness that the coastal town of Echo Harbor ceased to exist for nearly five hours. Roads leading into Echo Harbor instead diverted to a nearby town called Gant, which hastily put up barricades. Several prominent citizens of Gant said, "You know what those Echo Harbor people are like, with the weirdness and the chanting and the bees." Delivery trucks and a few brave tourists were baffled, but the city blinked back into existence slightly before sunset. Echo Harbor officials would only say that they knew where they were the whole time.

Today is the birthday of noted patron of the arts John Wilding, who sought out street artists and bought their paintings so that they could eat. Upon his death, a warehouse of artwork was found under dust sheets. Many of the paintings were terrible, but there were also extraordinary early pieces by many famed artists. "I don't actually care for art," Wilding said. "Never have. But it's an addiction these poor souls were born with, and there's no cure, so I try to lighten their suffering a little."

It is the Feast Day of Saint Tina, patron of extreme birdwatching. Her followers cry her praises upon discovering a rare bird and invoke her name to bring so-called "skulky bastards" out of the undergrowth. St. Tina is represented as a woman carrying binoculars and looking up. Tina can be invoked with the ancient birder call sign, "Got anything?" and with offerings of coffee and trail mix.

In the garden, peaches are ripe. Peaches can be found in both free-stone and cling-stone varieties, which measure how easily the pit can be removed from the flesh. Peaches are one of the great foods of summer. They are also an extraordinary nuisance to grow in an area with many insect pests, and so may be best left to professionals. Fresh peaches with goat cheese is one of the few unadulteratedly good things left within the world, although eventually someone will find a way to make it bad for you.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat — "We Dig Tea."

Also brought to you by the Saint Bart's Snake Resort on Nork. Bring your snake in for our Summer Slither Package. Includes complimentary mai thais and whale watching. Make your reservations today.

That's The Hidden Almanac for July 11, 2014. Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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