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The Hidden Almanac for
Wednesday July 16th, 2014
Episode 132
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2014-07-14
Next episode: 2014-07-18

SummaryEdit

Today pigeons appeared with saddles and bridles. It is also the day an important battle was almost fought, and the day Agnes Moonshort was born. It is the Feast Day of St. Vaughn, and in the garden, there is rain.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is July 16th, 2014.

It was on this day in 1994 that pigeons in the city began to turn up wearing bridles and tiny saddles. The city’s rat population was blamed, despite protests that rats are much too heavy to ride pigeons. The mysterious pigeon-riders were never found, and the pigeons became distracted by bread crumbs.

And it was on this day in the sixth century that a battle was very nearly fought that would have changed the entire face of the continent, rearranging political borders and sweeping out a tribe that had dominated for centuries. Unfortunately, one side rather overdid it the night before and slept late with a headache. The other side stood around the battlefield for an hour before getting bored and wandering off. Historians speculate that, had the battle actually been fought, we would all speak a different language and some of us would never have been born. History does these things occasionally, and the important thing is not to become too attached to it.

And it is the birthday of the interior decorator Agnes Moonshort, who described thirty-seven hundred different shades of the color green. Her comprehensive volume “From Chartreuse To Sage” was three feet thick and consisted of endless color swatches, which had to be silk-screened to insure total color fidelity. The book was a staple of high-end paint stores and a number of the colors, including “Alder Underleaf” and “Week-Old Bamboo Sprout” are still popular today.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Vaughn, patron of small luxuries. High thread-count sheets, tiny scented soaps, and elaborate programmable shower heads are all the domain of St. Vaughn. He is portrayed as a giant panda in purple robes, holding a martini with a bamboo stem garnish. St. Vaughn is frequently invoked in moderately priced hotels, with a small icon above the room service button. In very high-end hotels, a priest of St. Vaughn will be on staff to pray for luxury.

In the garden, sudden pounding rains can make quite a mess of the garden. There is nothing to be done about this. Cut back the flopping stems, sigh heavily, and pray to avoid hell.

Hail. Not hell. Avoid hail.

The copyeditor is obviously still missing and the situation is becoming dire. We may soon be forced to adopt a new copyeditor, which will upset the staff greatly, as they had become very attached to Keith.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by Kiwi! The fruit, not the bird. The birds are jerks. The fruit is lovely and thinks you look quite dashing in that sweater. Support the fruit, not the bird.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for July 16th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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