The Hidden Almanac for
Monday August 25th, 2014
Episode 149
Previous episode: 2014-08-22
Next episode: 2014-08-27


Today, the wasps delivered their demands. It is also the day “Magical Preschool” first aired. It is the Feast Day of St. Grunk, and in the garden, there are tomatoes.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is August 25th, 2014.

It was on this day, ten years ago, that the leader of the wasps came with their demands. We expected them to die in the winter freezes, but they did not.

They are still waiting for an answer. We do not know what to tell them.

And it was on this day in 1985 that the TV show “Magical Preschool” first aired. An immediate hit with children under the age of five, it consisted of brightly colored figures running around like lunatics and occasionally bursting into song. Every few minutes, everyone would freeze and a number would flash on the screen. As the numbers always went from high to low, the general appearance was of a countdown to some terribly colorful apocalypse.

Parents of children born in the early 80’s can often be reduced to twitching hysteria merely by playing snippets of the theme song. It does not appear to have had any lasting damage on the children.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Grunk, patron of goblins. Chief of Clan Uggersplut during the eleventh goblin wars, Grunk pursued a policy of non-violence and purely defensive actions, made simpler by the gigantic wall that had recently been erected around Goblinhome. Emissaries to Goblinhome were met with flowers and feasting. To all threats and offers of violence, Grunk said only “It shall be as the gods will it. Have some more wine.” Eventually everybody went home in disgust and the goblins enjoyed an unprecedented era of prosperity, until the invention of airstrikes.

In the garden, the Brandywine tomatoes are ripening. These are considered the finest tomatoes for eating on sandwiches, partly because of their flavor and partly because they can be extremely finicky and difficult to grow. Romas, on the other hand, will grow on the surface of the moon if given sufficient water, and have spread themselves about the Hidden Almanac Test Garden in thoroughly absurd fashion.

It is possible to do very dramatic things with Brandywine tomatoes, but there is little point to it. A good white bread with a little mayonnaise and a little salt is broadly considered the best way to eat them. Pink Brandywines are the most common variety, but Blue Brandywines are sought by the truly distinguished connoisseur.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Society For Historical Truth. Was the Librarian Prince really all bad? Don’t believe what the history books tell you! Find out for yourself about this unsung hero of the realm.

(sigh) With the understanding that we may lose a sponsor from this, do not listen to these people. The Librarian Prince was a psychotic monster. Even Pastor Drom thinks he was not a nice man, and she once tried to make friends with a pit full of scorpions.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for August 25th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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