The Hidden Almanac for
Friday October 24th, 2014
Episode 175
Previous episode: 2014-10-22
Next episode: 2014-10-27


Today is the day Ortan was given to the Holy Troyzantine Empire. It is also the day of the racoon elections. It is the Feast Day of St. Lucas, and in the garden, there is burning. Also, the crows are demanding more food.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is October 24th, 2014.

It was on this day in the 12th century that the island kingdom of Ortan was given to the Holy Troyzantine Empire as part of a cease-fire. Ortan was not terribly pleased by this, and was even less pleased when many individuals of different faiths were driven from Ortan by the inquisition. Ortan labored under the Troyzantine yoke for some centuries, before declaring sudden bloody independence during the Spice Wars. “It’s been centuries,” said one Troyzantine general. “By god, those people can hold a grudge.” “Yes,” replied the Ortanian envoy. “We can.”

And it was on this day in 1963 that the raccoon tribe held parliamentary elections. Voting was carried out by ritual washing of white or black pebbles. The very large raccoon with the scarred ear won. There was general rejoicing, and several garbage cans were knocked over in celebration.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Lucas, patron of goldsmiths, who was martyred by being shoved headfirst into a vat of molten gold. At least it probably quick. This very expensive form of martyring has been carried out a few times in the history of hagiography, in this case by a particularly wealthy emperor. The emperor kept the resulting statue—if you can call it that—in the palace gardens. Some detractors have suggested that St. Lucas was in fact shoved into a vat of molten copper, and the results were then carefully gold-leafed. In any event, upon the emperor’s death, the statue was removed because everyone agreed that it was rather sad and creepy and quite lumpy. It was given a decent burial.

In the garden, if you have not already burned the stiltgrass, you are probably sunk. The stiltgrass is setting seeds, which can persist in the soil for seven years. This is the reason that this is an unholy weed, and its name has been written in the Book of Unloved Things, backwards and in silver ink. Fire is good. Mulch will also work, but fire is more entertaining. It really comes down to how much you trust the interns.

The crows have increased their demands for Cheetos. Apparently “it” is still coming, although they are not providing a time-frame.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by St. Offren’s Grounds. No. The coffee does not contain the ashes of St. Offren. Anyone who told you our coffee is a holy relic is lying. Please stop e-mailing us, you gullible nitwits.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for October 24th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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