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The Hidden Almanac for
Monday November 3rd, 2014
Episode 179
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Previous episode: 2014-10-31
Next episode: 2014-11-05

SummaryEdit

Today we remember T-Square Rawlins. We also recall the inventor Alistair Whetsmith. It is the Feast Day of St. Moraccus, and in the garden, there is a new bench.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.


Today is November 3rd, 2014.

It is the birthday of T-Square Rawlins, inventor of the Architectural Blues. Some of his better known numbers included “My Baby Took My Protractor And Left Me All Alone” and “Blueprint To My Heart” and “Auto-Cad Done Me Wrong.” His music was noted for technical perfection, though critics derided him as “overly formal” and “lacking improvisational chops.”

And it was on this day in 1989 that inventor Alistair Whetsmith invented a coffee grinder that he called the “Bean-Matrix,” This would not normally be significant, except that the coffee grinder proved able to grind nearly anything, including logs, stones, and, unfortunately, fingers. Whetsmith renamed his invention the “Grind-O-Matrix” but its lack of safety features made it unsellable in the modern market. Rumor has it that the military took possession of the patent and paid Mr. Whetsmith a small stipend as a result.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Moraccus, patron of a particular shade of pink. Legend has it that he was granted the miraculous ability to transmute any fluid he touched into pink paint. This was probably fun briefly, but he died of thirst some weeks later. Be careful what you wish for.

In the garden, we are attempting to clean up after the crows successfully brought Corvus-Wrax through a portal from the highest avian hell on Halloween night. I will not lie to you, listeners, it was looking somewhat alarming — although adorable — as Corvus-Wrax began devouring interns, flowerpots, and for some reason, the mailbox. However, just as its feathered tentacles had closed around my ankle and I was attempting to fend it off with a shovel, I heard a great cry.

It was Keith, the copyeditor. He had apparently been nesting under the mailbox and took great offense. He flung himself at Corvus-Wrax, screaming well-punctuated war-cries, and stabbed the monster through one of its seven eyes with a hyphenated adjective. Corvus-Wrax fell back into the dimension from which it came, dragging Keith along with it, and the rift closed behind them.

Keith will live forever in our hearts. We are placing a small plaque on one of the garden benches, detailing his heroism, using the Oxford comma as he would have wished.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by St. Offren’s Grounds. We apologize for having supported the particular charity we mentioned in the last ad. Apparently it was actually feeding orphans to puppies. We do not approve of this and have stopped donating. Please continue to buy our coffee.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for November 3rd, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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