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The Hidden Almanac for
Monday December 22nd, 2014
Episode 200
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2014-12-19
Next episode: 2014-12-24

SummaryEdit

Today is the day after the winter solstice. It is also the day the Blue River Hog was first cataloged, and the day a new radio station first aired. It is the Feast Day of St. Cooper, and in the garden, the surveyors have left.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is December 22nd, 2014.

It is the first day after the winter solstice. The days will begin lengthening now. This is a good thing. If you spread too much darkness around, the interns begin to get …strange.

And it was On this day that the naturalist Eland the Younger first described the Blue River Hog. Unlike the Red River Hog, which is primarily red, the Blue River Hog is gray. It is not even the sort of gray-mixed-with-white that appears blue at a distance. It is simply gray. The Blue River, which runs south of the Glass Wastes, is colored by minerals in the water. These are simply the wild hogs that live near the Blue river. This unfortunate name has been disappointing naturalists for nearly two hundred years.

And it was on this day in 1983 that the radio station KBRN first went on the air. KBRN, known as “the Burn,” offered heavy metal and later, industrial rock music to their entire listening area. Unfortunately, due to a very small tower, this consisted primarily of a nursing home some 500 yards away. The children of the some of the residents attempted to get the music changed to golden oldies or easy listening, but the seniors rebelled, claiming that they preferred the metal. “I had to listen to that crap for seventy years,” said one resident. “Give me something with some bass in it!” KBRN continues to operate to this day, and adapted to their primary audience by offering the “Turn Up Your Hearing Aid Hour” and “The Regular Show.”

It is the Feast Day of Saint Cooper, patron of miniature painters. St. Cooper painted a grand mural of the heavens, including saints, redeemed sinners, five popes, and six hundred separate angels, on a small pine cone. It was given to the Lobster Pope, who was suitably impressed (after viewing it through a magnifying glass) and commissioned a cathedral. The Cooper Cathedral is just large enough for one person to fit inside, if they crouch, and contains some of the most elaborate frescoes of the age.

In the garden, the surveyors are gone. They had been hired by an energy company called CharmX. Apparently there are ley lines running under the garden. I could have told them that without anyone having to trample my hellebores.

George the crow did not like them either and expressed his displeasure at the surveyor’s van, in a crude but effective manner. George is a crow of superb taste.

They did not apologize.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Sacred Order of Bull Moose Men. We’ve been granted an injunction against the injunction, and the running of the Bull Moose Men will take place as scheduled! Word has it that Abe Beck drew the short straw. He’s not as fast as some of the Moose Men, but he’s a wily one, so bring your running shoes!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for December 22nd, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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