The Hidden Almanac for
Monday December 29th, 2014
Episode 203
Previous episode: 2014-12-26
Next episode: 2014-12-31


Today marks the anniversary of a poaching incident. It is also the day we remember the opening of a distillery. It is the Feast Day of St. Charlock, and in the garden, the surveyors have returned.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is December 29th, 2014.

It was On this day that the foraging expert Jacob Crumb was arrested for foraging within the Royal Botanical Gardens. This would not be of significant note except that he pulled up several extremely rare water-lilies, with the intent of eating their roots. The lilies known as “Nymph’s Nipples” have flowers the size of a quarter and grow in one muddy pond in the Mountain Kingdom. Crumb reduced the captive population by nearly a third and still receives hate mail from gardeners to this day.

And it was on this day in 1914 that the White Boar Whiskey Distillery opened its new offices, overlooking the Autumn River. Environmentalists reported a rise in the numbers of alcoholic fish immediately surrounding the distillery. A spokesman for White Boar stated “Believe us, we are not going to waste our product on mere fish,” and the matter was dropped amid general laughter. Three months later, someone discovered that there was a tank leak and the fishery report had been entirely correct, which resulted in a number of foolish persons attempting to drink straight from the Autumn River near the building. A resulting spike in giardia cases quickly ended the matter.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Charlock, patron of gout-sufferers. The story goes that a warlord attacked the Monastery of Saint Amelia, but was so afflicted by gout that he had to direct the assault from a litter. Charlock went out to him and cured his gout, and the warlord was so moved that he called off the assult and left the monastery in peace. As the current monastery of St. Amelia is built on the ruins of at least five previous structures, all of which show signs of fire and attack, it has been suggested that the warlord only saved St. Charlock. Nevertheless, many pilgrims flock to the site in order to seek healing for their afflictions.

In the garden, those damnable surveyors have returned. There is an intern out there glaring at them. They waved official-looking paperwork, but if they trample any more of my plants, I will bring plague upon their houses regardless of the quality of their paperwork.

It is a good idea, when planning gardens, to allow for easy access to key utilities such as septic tanks and electrical meters, because public servants can rarely be trusted not to step on plants. You would think they are incapable of looking down and seeing green things, or that they divide the world into two categories—grass and trees—and step upon anything that doesn’t look like a tree with impunity.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Conglomerate, purveyors of fine and corporate teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea. And We Are Legion.”

Also brought to you by Stonebrew Coffee. Do you drink Stonebrew? Don’t answer that. It’s really none of our business. You do you. Stonebrew Coffee—eh, whatever.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for December 29th, 2014. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, and is written by Ursula Vernon. Our exit music is Red in Black and our into music is Moon Valley, both by Kosta T. You can hear more music from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. The Hidden Almanac is copyright 2013-2014, Ursula Vernon.

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