The Hidden Almanac for
Wednesday April 1st, 2015
Episode 243
Previous episode: 2015-03-30
Next episode: 2015-04-03


It is the Feast Day of Fools. You have been warned. It is also the Emergence of Maria the Anchorite, and in the garden, there are annuals.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is April 1st, 2015.

It is the Feast Day of Fools. I announce this at the top of the program, so that you might know to trust no one this day. We at the Hidden Almanac, however, are above this foolishness. It is all very well to attempt to convince one’s peers that one is pregnant or has taken up one of the tiresome religions or joined the mime cult, but if there is not one place that is trustworthy, the humor wears very thin. So. It is the Feast of Fools. We will move on.

It was on this day in 1004 that Maria the Anchorite broke from her cell in the walls of the Monastery of Saint Lars. It is known in some circles as the Emergence of St. Maria, but as she was never canonized and renounced her faith repeatedly, she is not granted an official feast day. Maria was sold as an Anchorite as a child, a practice now considered barbaric. At eight years of age, she was walled up alive in a cell in the walls of the monastery, there to spend her life in the contemplation of the divine. Maria was not pleased with this development and resisted strongly, screaming during worship services and shouting obscenities at passersby. Eventually, though, at the age of thirteen, she claimed to have had a conversion event and requested that she be brought a rosary. She remained apparently pious for four years, and even took a vow of poverty, requesting only simple iron crucifixes and refusing those in gold and silver. The reasons for this became apparent when she broke out of her cell, and it was discovered that she had been using the iron crucifixes to dig through the mortar of the wall. She escaped and went on the run. Multiple people claimed on their deathbed to have been Maria, but none of their claims could be verified. Her career after escape could therefore have been as varied as bandit, hired killer, singer, sea captain or grandmother. No one knows for sure.

In the garden, spring continues relentlessly. The rose mallow has sprouted and the buds are breaking on the hydrangeas. The garden shops now carry annuals other than pansies, though one must consider their early tomatoes to be an act of reckless optimism. Buying entirely too many annuals that have been forced into early bloom in a hothouse is a foolish act, but an entirely pleasant one, and so I have brought a number of old-fashioned zinnias back to the garden and instructed the interns to do something interesting with them.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Silent Nightclub. Still not a front for the secret mime cult. Anyone who tells you otherwise is simply engaging in an April Fool’s joke and can be killed with impunity.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for April 1st, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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