The Hidden Almanac for
Wednesday May 6th, 2015
Episode 252
Previous episode: 2015-05-04
Next episode: 2015-05-08


Today marks the release of a really bad movie. It is also the day a new line of hats was introduced. It is the Feast Day of St. Crucifer, and in the garden, there are irises.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is May 6th, 2015.

It was on this day in 1975 that the movie “House of the Horned Fates” appeared in theatres. It closed, often the same day that it opened, and was widely lauded as the single worst film ever created in the history of cinema. The plot was incoherent and offensive, and seven minutes were spliced in from a documentary on fruit flies (praised as the only seven minutes of interest.) “This film is not even laughably bad,” said one critic. “After seeing it, one no longer feels able to laugh. I may never laugh again.” “House of the Horned Fates” enjoyed minor cult status as college students dared one another to watch it, but never sold enough to make up for the initial investments in rubber suits.

And it was on this day in 1937 that the Hopping Hat Rack Hat Company introduced a new line of hats that—they claimed—stopped hair growth while being worn. Radiation from inside the hats was said to “arrest the follicular action.” “Keeping perfect hair perfect!” was the slogan. In actuality, the brims were lined with radium. Fortunately, the glue holding the lining together was extremely caustic and thousands of people developed blisters and skin lesions before they could wear the hats long enough to develop radiation sickness. Hopping Hat Rack withdrew the hats from the market, though they are now considered collectors items.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Crucifer, one of many patrons of gardeners. While serving at the Abbey of Saint Peter, he bred many unusual new plant strains, including blue roses, the Whispering Iris, and St. Audrey.

In the garden, the iris have begun to flower, although this year’s heavy rains and inconstant temperatures have proved hard on irises. The water iris are producing purple blooms, but the flag iris, “Black Gamecock” has produced nothing. The orange irises planted in a fit of colorblind madness have already passed. This is a small mercy. Orange flowers are a delight, in the correct place, and a torment when placed carelessly. Also, George thought it was a cheeto and kept trying to eat it.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by Emma’s Time Consolation Service. Time slipping away? Wondering how the year is nearly half over? Emma’s trained staff will agree that it is indeed a shame, and listen sympathetically when you explain that you keep writing fourteen instead of fifteen for the year. Emma’s! We can’t fix it, but we can make soothing noises for you.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for May 6th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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