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The Hidden Almanac for
Friday May 8th, 2015
Episode 253
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2015-05-06
Next episode: 2015-05-11

SummaryEdit

Today marks the start of the Gloving Wars. It is also the day a post-battle celebration ended. It is the Feast Day of St. Suzette, and in the garden, there will be planting.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is May 8th, 2015.

It is 250th anniversary of the Gloving Wars, when the Mittenmakers attempts to declare bloody independence from the Glovemaker’s Guild. “A mitten is not a glove!” was their rallying cry. They demanded freedom from the various fees levied by the Guild, stating that they gained nothing from guild membership. “You do not put lace on a mitten,” said their spokesman, Hans Schofflinger. “The glovers have spent vast sums lobbying the crown for exemption to the lace tax, and what good does that do the mittenmakers?”

“Useless hand-socks!” replied the Guild spokeman. “They should be grateful they are allowed membership for such unskilled labor.”

The Gloving Wars raged through the streets of the city for over a year, reaching such a fever pitch that Mittenmakers and Glovers would attack one another on sight. Eventually the Prime Minister intervened, dissolving the Guild and declaring highly specific martial law. High ranked members of both sides were placed under house arrest, and the crown ordered eleven thousand pairs of gloves AND mittens, keeping the remaining members too busy to kill one another for most of a year.

And it was on this day in 1781 that the badly outnumbered highland clans finally recovered from their hangovers, following the celebration of the defeat of royal forces at the Battle of Lizardstick. “The royals were nothing,” one highland patriot is reported to have said, “but this drink near brought me to my knees.”

It is the Feast Day of Saint Suzette, patron of small confections. Legend holds that she placed tiny, elegantly carved mints upon the pillow of Saint August, reviving his spirits during a time of long captivity in the court of his enemies. When he was finally freed, he located Suzette, a tiny old woman laboring in the kitchens, and brought her with him out of captivity. She is portrayed as an old woman holding a cross-shaped mint in her cupped hands. Some versions represent her as having the head of an elephant, but hagiographers are unclear why.

In the garden, it is a good time to take note of bare patches and plant them in with annuals or carefully chosen perennials. It is also a good time to go to the nursery, lose one’s mind, and spend several hundred dollars on plants that one has no hope of placing anywhere. These are heady times to be a gardener.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by the Silent Nightclub. We have no comment at this time. Nor will we, ever.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for May 8th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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