The Hidden Almanac for
Friday May 15th, 2015
Episode 256
Previous episode: 2015-05-13
Next episode: 2015-05-18


Today we remember the brave souls who searched for a kombucha. It is also the birthday of Crumplestein the Magnificent. It is the Feast Day of St. Ellen, and in the garden, there are gazebos.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is May 15th, 2015.

It was on this day in 1990 that a group of mercenaries was dispatched to deal with the so-called “Mother of Anguish” that dwells in the sewers beneath the city. This rogue kombucha culture communicates its demands only through very angry haiku. It had lately taken to demanding sacrifices and claiming that “the time of the ascendance is at hand.” The mole-people were increasingly concerned, and moreso when the mercenary group vanished. A pile of bones was eventually located, along with a haiku stating:

The next warriors
You send to slay the mother—
Free-range only, please.

The current whereabouts of the Mother are unknown, although the mole-people are keeping an eye on it.

It is the birthday, in 1410, of Crumplestein the Magnificent, greatest of jesters.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Ellen. Legend has it that St. Ellen roamed the world, friendless, accompanied only by the servants of Saint Whippetus, who fed her by bringing her rabbits and other small game. St. Ellen was seeking a virtuous man and found no one, although she spent some time among the goat men, who she described as “much better than humans, really” and “at least you know where you stand with the goat men.” Whether she found a virtuous man is unknown, although legend has it that she died at the age of 96, still a virgin, and increasingly disillusioned with humanity.

In the garden, the yellowroot has expanded in all directions, which is the function of yellowroot. People plant it thinking that it is a pleasant, under-utilized spring ephemeral, and they are mostly correct. Unfortunately, it then eats the path and forms a stand four feet in every direction, smothering the more delicate plants around it. When you pull yellowroot, you find that the roots are indeed intensely golden, hence the name.

It is useful under pine trees, where it is marginally less aggressive and in any event, unlikely to do anything to trouble the pine trees. If you can establish it there, you have done well. Placing it in good garden soil is, perhaps, a foolish endeavor.

It is likely that gazebos are migrating through. As usual, we cannot stress enough that a wild gazebo is not a good garden ornament. Admire their beauty, offer them food and water, but allow them to continue north on their own. Should you find an injured gazebo, contact your local architecture rehabilitator.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Rock Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible stones. Rock Wombat --- “We Dig Stone.”

Also brought to you by Boylan’s Teeth Merchants. You want teeth? We got teeth. You want ethically sourced teeth with certificates of authenticity? You go somewhere else.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for May 15th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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