The Hidden Almanac for
Monday June 22nd, 2015
Episode 272
Previous episode: 2015-06-19
Next episode: 2015-06-24


Today we recall a landmark lawsuit that resulted in a pointless warning label. It is the Feast Day of the Eleventh Hour, and in the garden, there is rosinweed.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is June 22th, 2015.

It was on this day in 1972 that a man died in a freak tape measure accident when the metal ruler portion snapped back suddenly, struck him in the eye, and caused a fatal blood clot. Investigators ruled that it was an accidental death and he probably should not have been holding the tape measure in his teeth. Nevertheless, his family sued and all tape measures since 1975 have included warnings about not being held in the mouth or nose. This is why we cannot have nice things.

It is the Feast Day of the Eleventh Hour. You should have finished preparations by now—or better yet, yesterday.

In the garden…well, it is hard to know what to say. The interns insist that they are fine, just fine, and in complete control of their mental faculties. Which is undoubtedly why they keep drifting toward the large open pit with the moaning coming from it.

Yes, the pit has started moaning. It was only a matter of time. Next will be the snatches of eldritch music. The wind blowing from beneath the earth began as soon as they removed the lid, but it has only now strengthened enough to be a nuisance. I have set the interns to building a wind-break with tarps to shield the mock-orange. I do not know why I bother. When the horrible thing erupts from the pit, with the mouths opening and closing on its neck and the shrilling in unhuman voices and so forth, it will simply trample the mock-orange. They can be difficult to transplant, however, so I cannot simply dig it up.

I suppose I could put burlap over it, but then everyone walks on the burlap and you might as well not have bothered. If you confront them, they go “Oh! Sorry!” and jump to one side and trample the toad lilies, and then an hour later you come back and they’re standing on the burlap again.

If it is a matter of saving my mock-orange, I may simply have to go down into the pit myself.

I suppose I could bring Drom. (sigh) On the other hand, if I am going to die in defense of the garden, I would hate to have Drom be the last thing that I hear. It is a quandary.

On the bright side, the rosinweed has bloomed. It is surprisingly short this year, and I can only guess that it has not received as much water as it desired. But that is something.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by Snappy Brand Potato Logs! Try our new Potato Slabs, suitable for grilling! All the flavor you love, in slab form!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for June 22th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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