The Hidden Almanac for
Monday July 6th, 2015
Episode 278
Previous episode: 2015-07-03
Next episode: 2015-07-08


Today an indescribable horror was revealed beneath the Hidden Almanac Test Garden. It is the Feast Day of several saints, and in the garden, the blueberries are ripe.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is July 6th, 2015.

It was on this day in 2015 that two professors from the Ravencoast School of Divinity penetrated to the darkest heart of the festering horror beneath the soil, an evil so foul, so blighted, so unspeakable that it cannot be described by mortal tongues.

PD: It’s a big pile of mostly dead bodies covered in mouths. See, that wasn’t so hard.

RM: You have failed utterly to do justice to the horror, Drom.

PD: Well, the mouths are all opening out of like…spines and elbows and crap…and they’re all singing together in this kind of horrible chorus. I mean, it’s pretty nasty, don’t get me wrong.

RM: Only you would describe the rising of a blighted god as “pretty nasty.”

PD: You know in my day, we made gods out of scarecrows and rocks with spirals drawn on them. None of this outer-dimensional stuff. And if you saw a tentacle, you hit it with a rock. Or salt. Salt was good too.

RM: We would need a great deal of salt for this creature. The pile appears to be nearly fifty feet high.

PD: …I’ve got the empty trail mix bag. It’s got a little salt left at the bottom.

RM: I suspect it will take more than that.

PD: Also, don’t know if you noticed, but they’ve got all your interns in a holding pen over there. I assume they’re going to throw them onto the pile of bodies to feed the god.

RM: We will have to prevent that in some fashion.

PD: So what’s our saint for dealing with blighted gods in caverns etc?

RM: There are several options. Saint Sigrid overthrew a great horror beneath the earth, they say. But she had the help of an orca wisewoman.

PD: You’ve got me.

RM: I am trying not to dwell on that.

In the garden, hopefully nothing is going too wrong. The blueberries should be ripe by now. I take some comfort that we have traveled miles beyond the area directly under the garden, so that the blighted god is unlikely to contaminate any of my plants. It is possible to deal with blight, but it requires exorcisms, which should be used sparingly in areas where frogs are breeding.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by James Rice’s latest book, “How To Survive In An Accursed Pit.” Full of useful advice about safe drinking water and bad air, should one find oneself beneath the earth.

PD: The publication date on this book is in 2019, Mord. He hasn’t written it yet.

RM: He will.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for July 6th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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