The Hidden Almanac for
Monday July 20th, 2015
Episode 284
Previous episode: 2015-07-17
Next episode: 2015-07-22


Today two professors from the Ravencoast School of Divinity encountered a door at the top of a staircase. It is the Feast Day of St. Marlin, and in the garden, there are books.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is July 20th, 2015.

And it was on this day that two professors of the Ravencoast School of Divinity, having ascended the great stairway of the Gugs

PD: And those suckers are FAST! Things that big should not be that fast. I had to beat one back with my umbrella.

RM: One wonders why you brought an umbrella underground in the first place.

PD: The world is strange and wondrous, Mord. It could totally start raining underground.

RM: You forgot you were carrying it, didn’t you.

PD: And a good thing! Otherwise that Gug would have eaten even more of that intern.

IT: The bleeding’s nearly stopped, sir…

RM: That is excellent. Now, if I may finish.

PD: Yes, yes.

RM: Having ascended the great stairway of the Gugs, with only minor mishap, the professors arrived at a large slab, sealed in the ancient language of the wood-beasts.

PD: Those are beasts that live in the woods, not beasts made out of wood, right?

RM: Correct.

PD: Good. It’s hard to negotiate with wood things. Their priorities are totally weird.

RM: You display a shocking ignorance of the hearts of trees, Drom.

PD: That’s more your line. Plant sex is pretty interesting, don’t get me wrong, but you can’t really make it apply to self-help books for mammals. I’ve tried.

RM: (sigh) I’m sure you have.

PD: It was called “Pollination Station: Your Guide To Love From the Vegetable Kingdom.” And that book was a total flop. They remaindered so many copies that I built a wing on my house with them.

RM: I bought a copy.

PD: What? Really?

RM: Yes. You were shockingly inaccurate about the feelings of oak trees.

PD: I’m just touched that you bought a copy, Mord.

RM: Do not read too much into it.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Marlin, patron of large fishes. She lived in the Coriander Isles, and was once caught by high tide, standing upon a large stone in the ocean. She prayed and dozens of swordfish, whale sharks, and sunfish rose to the surface, allowing her to walk across their backs to shore. She walked to the chapel and took holy orders immediately.

PD: You know, it’s bad to take orders immediately after a miracle.

RM: ….what.

PD: No, really. It’s like falling in love with someone who saves you from a burning building. It’s not a healthy thing to base a relationship on. Speaking as a miracle worker, we wouldn’t accept anyone to the order until they’d waited at least sixty days from the miracle. Gets all the endorphins out.

RM: I see.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Ghast Tea Company, purveyors of fine and flesh-eating teas. Red Ghast --- “We Rend Tea From Its Bones.”

Also brought to you by Scarlet Wombat Publishing. If you would like to purchase copies of Pollination Station, I am told that Pastor Drom has plenty remaining. (PD: So many copies.)

That’s the Hidden Almanac for July 20th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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