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The Hidden Almanac for
Friday August 28th, 2015
Episode 301
HAalbumart-podcast
Previous episode: 2015-08-26
Next episode: 2015-08-31

SummaryEdit

Today the trial of the designer Eric von Awning by the Librarian Prince began. It is the Feast Day of St. Bartholomew of Wide, and in the garden, there is lantana.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.

TranscriptionEdit

Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is August 28th, 2015.

It was on this day in 1793, in the reign of the Librarian Prince, that the trial of Eric von Awning, famed furniture maker, began. Von Awning created many gorgeous and fantastical pieces based on animals, which were highly sought after by the wealthy. This lasted until the Librarian Prince tripped and nearly impaled himself on a swordfish-inspired end table. He immediately had Von Awning arrested on charges of “passive attempted regicide” and arranged a public trial to, he said, “discourage other pacifists.”

As usual, no one corrected the Prince’s grammar.

The trial lasted seven weeks, included innumerable witnesses, and was presided over by the prince himself in a judge’s wig. Von Awning himself appeared in a cage and appeared to sleep through the entire trial. It was later determined that the real Von Awning had been smuggled from the city before the trial began, and the person in the case was a sack with a crudely drawn face on it. The sack was duly executed at dawn. Von Awning himself lived to a ripe old age in the Mountain Kingdom.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Bartholomew of Wide (not to be confused with saint Bartholomew of Nork.) This saint has been removed from the standard liturgical calendar on the grounds that he is mostly legendary. While he appears to be based on an actual 3rd century martyr, his story derives from an era rich in what might best be termed “hagiography fan fiction.” It is therefore unlikely that Saint Joan assembled his cradle, even more unlikely that he converted 8,000 barbarians in a single night of prayer, and exceedingly unlikely that he had a pet dragon. He is no longer officially worshiped, but medals featuring him and his unicorn still are widely sold today.

In the garden, the river oats are bent over under the weight of their seed-heads. The lantana continue to flower, though we are careful to grow only reliably sterile hybrids here, as lantana can become a highly invasive weed if not controlled. Many hybrids claim to be sterile, but are in fact only self-sterile, so if the neighbors grow one, your plant will suddenly be covered in poisonous berries. Fortunately it is a tender perennial, and we are also in a zone where occasional cold snaps kill it reliably one year in five. It is a lovely plant that flowers in extremely dry, hot conditions, but care must be taken with it.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

Also brought to you by Polar Bear Proofreading! Need typos rooted out and slain? Put a polar bear on the case!

That’s the Hidden Almanac for August 28th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.

OutroEdit

Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

Notes Edit

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