The Hidden Almanac for
Friday September 4th, 2015
Episode 304
Previous episode: 2015-09-02
Next episode: 2015-09-07


Today we remember the trial of the heroic Elizabeth Dorn. It is also the day the waterfinch was first described. It is the Feast Day of St. Mona, and in the garden, there are copy-editors.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is September 4th, 2015.

It was on this day in 1988 that a woman named Elizabeth Dorn walked into a gift shop and saw that there were Yuletide ornaments already on the shelves, along with giftwrap of happy white bulls to celebrate the birth of the Unconquered Sun. Witnesses report that she ran mad, smashing ornaments and screaming “It is barely September, stop, stop at once, this is the beginning of the end, we draw the line here.” Fortunately for Mrs Dorn, the judge shared her views and only ordered her to five hours of community service. Unfortunately for Mrs. Dorn, the line was not drawn there, and we deal with the slow creep of holidays to this day. History is littered with such fallen and futile heroes, but we shall not forget their names.

And it was on this day that the naturalist Eland the Younger first described the Waterfinch, a small, diving bird that feeds on aquatic insects. Years later, genetic testing would determine that the waterfinch was indeed a finch, descended from a different genetic line than 99% of other waterbirds. It is unobtrusive, elegant, and blue.

It is the Feast Day of Saint Mona, whose miracles are…questionable. She worked at a small café frequented by the Bricklayer Pope and brought His Holiness coffee every morning, which was always hot. The pope claimed that this was proof of divine favor and had her canonized. The Bricklayer Pope was in office for barely a year and is largely a footnote to history, while St. Mona graces a number of coffeeshop signs and is second only to Saint Offren in popularity.

In the garden, the copyeditors are on the move again, and we feel a pang for Keith, cut down in his prime saving the Hidden Almanac Test Garden. We miss Keith. We have left semi-colons out for his brethren, and there is a handsome plaque standing in the place where he vanished from this dimension. It was commissioned from the Ancient Order of Linguists so that the grammar is perfect and the punctuation without flaw. It even uses whom correctly. No one uses whom correctly. Sigh.

On the bright side, Intern Steve reports that the concrete fill of the stairway to the dread underground pit has cured nicely. We have plans to lay a nice brick patio over the top, but in the meantime, we have placed pots of amaranth. Mums were cheaper, but once you begin planting out mums, you have surrendered to autumn completely. We welcome the coming season, but not unconditionally.

The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Elephant Tea Company, purveyors of fine and memorable teas. Red Wombat --- “We Will Never Forget Tea.”

Also brought to you by St. Offren’s Grounds, now offering the Saint Mona Cold-Brew System. She wasn’t martyred, so it’s okay. Please do not send us angry e-mail.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for September 4th, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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