The Hidden Almanac for
Friday October 23rd, 2015
Episode 325
Previous episode: 2015-10-21
Next episode: 2015-10-26


Today we are lectured on the nature of mystery religions by Pastor Drom. It is very educational.

Be Safe, and Stay Out of Trouble.


Welcome to the Hidden Almanac, I’m Reverend Mord.

Today is October 23rd, 2015.

PD: Hi everybody! I’m Pastor Drom!

Okay, Mord, what was so important that you dragged me out of the basement? I was working on the pilot for our buddy comedy.

RM: No.

PD: It’s gonna be called the Drommy & Mordy show! We’ll fight crime and teach children important life lessons!

RM: We will not.

I have been researching an obscure saint called Alamance. He fled the Mountain Kingdom and founded a mystery religion.

PD: Mystery religions are crap. All of ‘em. Total crap. I’ve done three.

RM: …uh?

PD: Look, you figure the reason a religion exists is to tell people how to live, right? So that everybody’s happy, healthy, productive, society doesn’t collapse and nobody pisses off the spirit world, right?

RM: That seems somewhat oversimplified…

PD: Faith is simple, Mord. People make it complicated. Anyway, you figure if you’ve got a religion that you think is the best possible way to live, you tell people about it, right? As many people as you can! So that they’ll be happy and healthy and not piss off the spirit world too!

But a mystery religion is all “I know the secret of the universe, but I’m not gonna tell you unless you jump through all these hoops.” Total crap. I don’t like the guys who come door to door either, but at least their hearts are in the right place.

RM: The Eleusinian mysteries are generally highly regarded…

PD: They’re crap too. You know ergot, the stuff that grows on rye, makes you hallucinate like blazes?

RM: I am familiar with ergot, yes.

PD: So they make this nasty beer out of it and get you all liquored up and then march you through a cave in the dark for an hour and there’s chanting and drums and then they turn on the lights while you’re tripping balls and show you some really suggestive limestone, if you know what I mean.

RM: I have absolutely no idea what you mean.

PD: Anyway, then you walk through the cave and tell you it’s a symbolic rebirth from the womb of the earthmother. Hippie crap, the lot of it. Except then they throw live pigs into a bottomless pit. That’s more just disturbing. But really, how does getting drunk and wandering through caves make the world a better place?

RM: How is it that you have tenure?

PD: Because I’m awesome, Mord! And not the sort of person who gets all worked up over sexually explicit rock formations.

RM: …at any rate, Saint Alamance brought with him a set of teachings known as the Tongue of the Raven, which I believe were actually handed down from the cult of Corvus-Wrax.

PD: …oh.

RM: The Hidden Almanac is brought to you by Red Wombat Tea Company, purveyors of fine and inaccessible teas. Red Wombat --- “We Dig Tea.”

PD: You know you could have said something before I did five minutes on mystery religions, Mord.

RM: I could have, yes.

That’s the Hidden Almanac for October 23rd, 2015. Be safe, and stay out of trouble.


Out of Character

The Hidden Almanac is a production of Dark Canvas Media, written by Ursula Vernon and performed and produced by Kevin Sonney. Our theme music is Moon Valley and our exit music is Red in Black, both by Kosta T. You can hear more from Kosta T at the Free Music Archive. All other content is copyright 2013 through 2015, Ursula Vernon.

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