Taglines Edit

  • Our chief hagiographers have researched the exact blend drunk by the saint and produced this remarkable coffee. Get it now, at participating coffee shops! “St. Offren’s – A Brew Worth Being Martyred For.” (Episode 171)
  • All right, we accept that “A Brew Worth Being Martyred For” may have been a little crass as a slogan. We don’t want to offend anyone. We will rebrand simply as “The Martyr’s Coffee” and call it good, all right? You can’t deny that it’s actually her coffee. We have scientists. They did spectrography and crap. Just drink the damn coffee, people, this isn’t an inquisition. (Episode 172)
  • We apologize for the use of the word “inquisition” on the last ad spot, as it has been brought to our attention that St. Offren was sentenced to death by inquisitors. Awkward. We have made a sizable donation to one of those charities that gives puppies to sick orphans. Please continue to buy our coffee. (Episode 173)
  • No. The coffee does not contain the ashes of St. Offren. Anyone who told you our coffee is a holy relic is lying. Please stop e-mailing us, you gullible nitwits. (Episode 175)
  • We apologize for having supported the particular charity we mentioned in the last ad. Apparently it was actually feeding orphans to puppies. We do not approve of this and have stopped donating. Please continue to buy our coffee. (Episode 179)
  • Drink the coffee that is a fine coffee and we are not saying it is worth being martyred for because that would be tasteless, we’re just saying that if you have to be martyred for coffee, you could do a lot worst. Above all, don’t die for instant. Please like us. (Episode 206)
  • Drink the brew so good, it’s practically incorruptible! (Episode 220)
  • The Martyr’s Blend is now available in instant! St. Offren may have suffered for hours, but this coffee is ready in minutes! Oh god, that’s a horrible slogan. Please don’t send us hate mail. We are very sorry. Buy our coffee? (Episode 225)
  • They make coffee. I do not have coffee. The universe is a cold, flawed place. (Episode 230)
  • Try our new travel mug today! There is absolutely nothing offensive about it. We asked three focus groups and the internet. (Episode 255)
  • Now offering the Saint Mona Cold-Brew System. She wasn’t martyred, so it’s okay. Please do not send us angry e-mail. (Episode 304)
  • We have coffee. It is good coffee. You should try it. We have learned our lesson about slogans. (Episode 403)
  • Try the Martyr’s Blend today! So good that you will say absolutely nothing offensive on air because we can’t take any more emails please god no. Available in whole bean or ground. (Episode 417)
  • The long dark nights require a strong, dark coffee. Try our Winter Survival Kit, which includes a mug, a bag of whole beans, and a small sun lamp! (Episode 495)
  • Try our new holiday blend, Martyr to the Season, with cinnamon and nutmeg! (Episode 503)
  • The coffee with the martyr on the package. Wake up with our spring blend, which sparkles with life, joy, growth, and caffeine! Don’t sleep through spring—jitter through it! (Episode 533)

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