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Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins

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  • Neighbors putting out the Yule decorations too early? Exhausted by holiday music in July? Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins will put a bullet in the head of holiday cheer. Discreet, professional, and non-denominational. Leave a note under your glass at the Silent Nightclub for a quote. (Episode 31)
  • Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and even the most upstanding citizens are beginning to succumb to holiday cheer. Won’t you put them out of their misery? Wouldn’t you want someone to do it for you? (Episode 33)
  • Spring break got you down? Kids been at home too long? Relatives visiting with their crazed and mannerless offspring? We can take care of the problem. Permanently. (Episode 91)
  • Also brought to you by Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins. It’s the off-season, so take advantage of our bargain prices! Family gatherings memorable—in a bad way? You can make summer cookouts, picnics, and family reunions much more peaceful with Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins! Slip a note under your drink at the Silent Nightclub. We’ll be in touch. (Episode 101)
  • Did someone beat your astonishing costume at the office Halloween party by wearing something related to a currently trending meme? Twenty hours of sewing defeated by a sheet of paper with a hashtag on it? We will take care of it. You may not get the gift certificate, but you will get the last laugh. Suzy’s Seasonal Assassins—deadly and discreet. (Episode 177)
  • If you’re still stuck with relatives for another few days, we’re offering steep post-holiday discounts! Take a hit out on someone who shares your DNA today! (Episode 202)
  • Lupercalia is approaching, when love is in the air. Has your ex-spouse found love before you? We can take care of that, for the right price. Leave a note under a glass at the Silent Nightclub. We’ll be in touch. (Episode 223)
  • All Hallow's Eve is approaching, and that is an excellent time to kill someone while disguised as someone else. We are not suggesting that anyone do this, nor implying that such a service can be had for a price, but it is certainly an excellent opportunity. (Episode 317)
  • You know what time of year it is. You know where to find us. We’ll end your Yule problem before it starts. (Episode 331)
  • Time is running out to spare yourself from mandatory Black Friday shopping! Get your orders in now! (Episode 338)
  • If last year, you gave someone your heart, we can get it back. With interest. (Episode 351)
  • offering after Christmas bargains for relatives who you previously thought that you could stand. (Episode 352)
  • Unable to bear the thought of another holiday with that one relative? You know the one…the one you thought of immediately when you heard this ad. Susie’s Seasonal Assassins can make the holidays more pleasant for everyone. Leave a note under a glass at the Silent Nightclub to find out more! (Episode 498)
  • The holidays are over, but Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Spots on this holiday go very quickly, so sign up for a hit today! (Episode 512)

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